| I'm anti-social again... so goodbye, maybe for a week, or a month.. who knows |
[May. 28th, 2004|09:57 pm] |
I don't feel like talking to anyone, ever, right now. It'll pass, maybe a week or two, or even a month, but i'm not going to be on AIM or posting on here, or even checking my mail. If you urgently want to get in contact with me, then call me. Maybe this is my natural state, and I just come out of the dark every few months or so for about a week, trying to get social contact. It feels good, right now, to avoid people, to push them away. It doesn't matter.
I've read a few hundred pages of a psych. book and another book about what my cognitive neurogological possibilities could be. I already know what I have, all the social disease. I'm not hard to diagnose. I don't want to bore you, but if you really want to look into the very worst darkside of me then read my symptoms of my disease: http://www.iupload.net/042004/SYMPTOmS.jpg . Rename it as a doc file. Just imagine your intelligence rapidly declining everday, and fearing that in 20 years you won't be able to take care of yourself and become a mental vegetable. Scary eh? Well I deal with it everyday.
I'm just a shadow, a ghost... so if I never return to livejournal.. you'll never remember me, or never want to. I tried to present myself truthfully. I tried. But that doesn't work here if you want friends. People don't present their dark side in social worlds such as these,and I didn't realize it. I thought it said something about a fucking journal or something? Right now I don't want friends... I don't want speech, I don't want human contact, I just want escape. I'm going to escape someday, whether it be one of the many ways, I don't know, but I will. Maybe there will be peace there, or maybe oblivion, or maybe suffering. It doesn't matter.
I pray for terminal cancer everday, which is some sort of gradoise twisted fantasy for me the last few years since my neuro disease started. My family wouldn't have the burden of me any more, ruining their lives. My friends would no longer have to give me all of that support that I need. And no more money problems. Suicide is out, because of how much it would hurt my family and friends. I could keep with stealing and drug use for escape, and eventually wind up dead or in an even worse position... at least it wouldn't be suicide, it could all be blamed on the drugs.(Oh poor Travis couldn't deal with his problems, he just didn't know what to do and he just did too drugs). The only other way is to become independant, and to find a job that suites me which is going to be a near impossibility. It'll break at some point, it'll come down to the wire, it'll surge. It's a crapshoot.
When I look at human nature, I want to renounce my humanity. I feel like an alien. I bid you well if I don't return. I'm going to remain in my cocoon of a room, with nothing to do but read, watch tv, play guitar, and use the computer. Enough things to do something artistic at least. I can't leave the house, I can't get a job, I can't find release. I'll leave you with a bunch of these songs I had in my playlist except for the last one:
"Oh yeah, another day
Oh yeah, gotta play
What it is
It never was
I don't care
To give enough
My boredom has outshone the sun
It's all down low
I just want to have some
Little fun
Oh yeah, another day
Oh yeah, what a waste
What it is
It never was
I don't care
Or give a fuck
My boredom has outshone the sun
It's all down low
I just want to have some
Little fun
Bring me down
Bring me down"
"Whatsoever I've feared has come to life
Whatsoever I've fought off became my life
Just when everyday seemed to greet me with a smile
Sunspots have faded
And now I'm doing time
Cause I fell on black days
Whomsoever I've cured I've sickened now
Whomsoever I've cradled I've put you down
I'm a search light soul they say
But I can't see it in the night
I'm only faking when I get it right
Cause I fell on black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate
So what you wanted to see good has made you blind
And what you wanted to be yours has made it mine
So don't you lock up something that you wanted to see fly
Hands are for shaking
No, not tying
No, not tying
I sure don't mind a change
But I fell on black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate"
"I think I know the answer
I stumbled on and all the world
Fell down
And all the sky went silent
Cracked like glass and slowly
Tumbled to the ground
They say if you look hard
You'll find your way back home
Born without a friend
And bound to die alone
I'm thinking of your highness
And crying long upon the loss
I've found
And on the plus and minus
Zero chance of ever
Turning this around
Why doesn't anyone believe
In loneliness
Stand up and everyone will see
Your holiness
Why doesn't anyone believe
In loneliness
Stand up and everyone will see
Your holiness
They say if you look hard
You'll find your way back home
Born without a friend
And bound to die alone"
"And if you say your prayers
You will make God happy
And if you do what's true
You will make me happy
I'll keep you in a jar
And you will seem happy
I'll give you breathing holes
You will think you're happy, now
You're in a laundry room
You're in a laundry room
You're in a laundry room
And if you save yourself
You will make him happy
He'll bring you fine rewards
Then you will feel happy
I'll keep you in my room
I'm sure you'll be happy
And if you save your soul
You will think you're happy, now
You're in a laundry room
You're in a laundry room
You're in a laundry room
You're in a laundry room"
and the last one, it wasn't on my playlist but it means a lot to me:
Verse
I've seen this day before/ Deja Vu
I've experienced and I have done / Everything under the sun
The leaves fall and regrow / Only to renew again
The seasons come and go / only to restart again
Chorus
I can't get that song / out of my head(out of my head) X 2
And suicide is painless
Verse
I've had this daydream before / Deja Vu
I've written and i've prosed / To express my bitter woes
It's another day again/ another time to pretend
In this I might find escape / Deja Vu
Chorus
I can't stop remembering, what she said(then Whisper: what she said)X 2
And suicide is painless
Bridge
With eyes so blue / I could spend eternity within you
With days so full / I wish it would never have to end at all
Verse
I've been in this melancholy before/ Deja Vu
I've cheated and i've lied / just to be able to cry
The pain it never goes / It winds into deeper woes
I will find escape / Deja Vu
Chorus
I can't get that song / out of my head
I can't stop remembering/ what she said
And suicide might be painless |
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