User Profile

Here's a short introduction about me, before I mention my problems. I'm 21. I'm interested in pharmacology, writing, movies(espescially the indepentant ones), art(abstract), music(classic rock, rock, punk, grunge, metal), and just generally hating most of humanity. I'm a solitaire person, introverted, and shy. The only place where I can speak freely is through electronic mediums.

I want to become a writer, or a pharmacologist, or something that I will enjoy doing. I don't want to end up in a corporate cage, like most of America. I want to be free, to express myself, and to make a living off some medium of art if possible. I screwed up college, mainly because my neurological affliction(the work became overly hard, and it really depressed me that my mental abilities had become so bad). So here I am, with nothing but a highschool diploma, oh and a pharmacy technician certification which means nothing since the medical field around here is too overcrowded. I don't care too much about money, either. 20k a year would be fine for me. Anyway, my job opportunities seem limited in the legal field. I've thought of entering the black market, but I have a middleman that I can't go under which stops me from liveable profits. Not to mention it being risky.

As far as romance is concerned, I have never had a girlfriend. Yes, i'm 21 and have never had a girlfriend, nor even been kissed. I don't know what scares them away; i'm not ugly, and i'm a very nice person when it comes to matters of the heart. It's most likely that I never approach them, and have the worst case of shyness that anyone's ever known. I'm used to being lonely, lamenting in my dark room and daydreaming about idealistic romance. It'll probably always be this away, and it may even be comforting to know it, know that I will never be heart-broken or have a desperate spell of misery. If a girl could just get past my shield of shyness, they would find someone who is kind and caring, and that would do anything for their happines. I dream of just snuggling with a girl, and feeling complete. Alas, that's just a dream.

Welp, to make this diary useful, I must truthfully and blunty reveal the things that I usually feel apprehension about revealing to most people. I have some sort of neurological disorder; it could be multiple scelerosis or alzheimers, but it hasn't been diagnosed yet. Basically, it's slowly damaging my brain. It started when I woke up one day, and couldn't talk normally. I slurred my words. I eventually fixed most of that issue, but since then it has been a downward cycle.

You don't have to read the next paragraph if you don't want all the explicit details of it. And the paragraph after that just deals with my drugs use, so you don't have to read if it if you're not interested.

Over time it has affected everything mental. My reflexes and coordination are shot, I have numbness in certain parts of my body, I have trouble understanding things that used to come quickly, I have trouble reading(often rereading sentences over and over, to understand the meaning), I have troubles writing(lately my grammar has been awful and i've forgotten to spell words i've always known how to spell, which is a total shock to me since it has always been great), I have completely lost my libido, I have lost a lot of sense of smell and taste, and have very bad memory problems. This didn't occur rapidly, it just slowly progressed and is still slowly progressing.

Anyway, I feel like i'm death row, which has made me insanely depressed. I started using drugs, mainly opiates, which to me quickly became all consuming. I'm now at a point where if I stop for a few months, and start again, i'll be at an insanely high tolerance. Too high to be worth it. Benzodiazepines are much better for me, and they do help my social anxiety. I've used amphetamines a few times, but sadly they seem to be unavailable most of the time. They help me a lot with my lethargy, which has been caused by my mental problems. Anyway, right now drugs have become the only thing i'm interested in really. It make sense actually, since I have so few hobbies. I used to be heavily into computer games, but quit since my reflexes got so bad from my disorder. I have to give up opiates, I know this to be true, but I can safely take benzos. I've been on them for months and months, and never had any withdrawal, so they seem harmless. Not to mention I have a legit prescription for them.

I feel disillusioned and alienated from society, which shouldn't come as a shock. I just want to escape sometimes. From what, I don't know? Societal bonds? Social formality? The coporate machine? Our government of oligarchy? Who knows, but I feel trapped sometimes, and the only way to dig myself out is to express myself.

Well, if you have read this all, then you have already judged me. This whole page looks cold, and calculated, but I can be warm, I can be someone with a soul. Just communicate with me and see.

Friends (18):

Friend of (9):